Peace

My flight to Atlanta couldn't have been better. We finally made it to the Hotel and I felt at home. It is absolutely beautiful with all of the amenities that I know my God has prepared for me. I feel completely blessed! Some of the girls decided to take the shuttle to get a bite to eat. I wasn't hungry but decided to go along just for the company. At the last minute I decided to stay behind and spend some time alone. As I walked through the lobby to find a quiet place to sit I passed comfortable couches and the noise of people talking. I met a glass door and decided to walk through it. I felt as if I had walked into the garden of Eden. There was a lighted pathway that winded through the woods. The area was surrounded by ponds with plenty of places to rest. There were benches, tables with chairs, and bridges over the water. So here I sit. Listening to the comforting sounds of the crickets and the water pouring over the rocks. Just me and God's creations. What a wonderful sight to behold!
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Freedom

I am free!

First love

Today was another emotional roller coaster with random waves of intense burden and sadness. I was able to fight back tears & have one of those small "cute" cries that is never satisfying! Then I had an overwhelming need to simply praise & worship. I needed to get to a safe place where I could let it all hang out! I picked up my girlfriend & we headed for a great spot. At first I tried to complain & tell God about all of these bad feelings that I had & how unhappy I was with my situation. I wanted to complain about how difficult it was & how I needed His strength to get through it. I wanted to beg & whine about my relationship with my friend & how it was just wasted time or like the torture of holding a chocolate cream pie in front of someone on a diet! Then there was a sudden shift! As I began to count my blessings & thank Him for what I did have I no longer felt deprived. All of a sudden I was taken back to when our relationship began to develop. I felt the satisfaction that I had on the day that I sat with him & listened to music that he thought I would like. I felt the power that I had when he gave me the choice to watch a movie with him. I felt the passionate love that I experienced when he grabbed my face to kiss me goodnight. I felt the protection & comfort that I had when he held me all night & kissed the back of my neck without expecting anything in return. I felt the care that I had when he told me to think of myself for a change & do what was best for me & my children.

I had rehearsed all of these moments in my mind several times before. The difference this time was that instead of being angry or trying to figure out what went wrong, I felt blessed & extremely thankful! If only for a moment, God had given me a real live example of His love for me! God had reminded me that He was my first & true love. He had chosen me long ago & had saved me at just the right time! God had given me a glimpse of the kind of love that I could never receive from any other. Unconditional love without chains or expectations.

So now when I remind myself of those moments I can cherish them as reality instead of a thing of the past. My God loves me. My God cares for me. My God protects me. The same way he always has! I will trust in Him!
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Power

Heavenly father I come before you in a desperate time in my life. It is filled with turmoil, pain, confusion, and indecision. Although I know what the right thing is that I must do it still causes me a tremendous amount of pain, anxiety, & fear. My emotions are unpredictable, my words can sometimes be daggers that remain long after they have been removed. My family has been neglected. I have been very selfish in seeking my own needs rather than placing theirs first. I have begged for companionship from others when I know I needed to come to you. The turmoil comes from a desire for physical comfort. It comes from co dependency. It comes from a misguided hope that someday things will change. Maybe it's not that "things" will change but that "I" will change? If so, this "change" is sometimes unbearable! My body aches down to my fleshy organs & solid bones. My heart aches as if it has been ripped into a million pieces. My stomach is constantly in motion yet not full filling it's function. My hands shake, my vision is blurry, my stride is not steady. My body feels weak. I can barely hold my head up. My face is contorted and my beautiful smile and sense of humor have disappeared. My friends don't understand me & some don't even try. I am angry, cynical, & not much fun to be around anymore. I want to cry but the tears are stuck in my throat. I want to be held but have no willing party. I hunger for a physical touch without expectations. I had that once only to have it denied me later. Now it's all I can think about! Sharing my plight with others has only given them a wrong impression of me.

Lord surround me with people who truly care for me, who can lift me up so I can look into your face where I know I will find comfort. Allow me to be present for my children & let them know how much I love then. Let my family know that when we travel through this battlefield there will be green pastures, love, joy,comfort ,and peace waiting for us on the other side. Help us to be patient & expect nothing less than the best that you have provided for us. Help us every step of the way!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®